James

It's important to say this: James killed himself. It's important because we are surrounded by sad people. In fact, we are all sad people, aren't we? We have to confront each other's sadness, or we all run the risk of becoming lonely little islands in a sea of other lonely little islands.

But we can't wait until things get "really bad" before we start talking. At that point, it's too late. We have to find the people that we care about and make their business our business. And we have to let other people butt into our business, too. We all need to be aware of each other's normal so we can pick up on the faintest sign of abnormal. We need to help each other pull our devils out into the light before they get too strong. Because once they get ahold of us, they won't let go without a bloody fight. They will make it very, very hard for us to accept the help, the love, we need.

If you knew James, you knew a joyful man. A man that would help anyone; that took delight in the delight of others. But obviously — obviously — there were dark demons pulling James into a horrible place. I certainly don't know much about them ... because I had stopped being a safe place for James a long time ago. If he ever did trust me enough to share his pain, that trust died while ago.

I trusted James with my sadness for many years. So yes, I feel horrible that I didn't have his confidence when things may have been manageable. Maybe I was too judgmental in my youth. Maybe I was too self absorbed. But I know we stopped talking, and recently it became impossible to reconnect.

Of course I am going to remember the friendly and goofy James. But I will not let the sad James be forgotten. When I think of the other friends and family I have let slip away, I'll think of James. When I pull away from any new friendships, I will think of James. It's important for us — for me — to remember that we all need to reflect God's love for us back onto the world. That reflection has to be contstant and consistent. And it has to start with the people that are closest to us.